I think in order for you to absorb the meaning of this song, I need to do some explaining.

I also need to talk briefly about the Enneagram. It’s a personality typing system that I have found to be an extremely accurate and beautiful tool. On the Enneagram, there are 9 basic personality types. When I discovered my number on the Enneagram, last year, it was like my whole world stopped, and I suddenly understood myself. If you are interested in this subject at all, I would encourage you to do your own research and find your number. It helps awaken you to yourself and give you an appreciation of other people’s types. But for the sake of understanding this song, we will be talking very briefly about my number, which is a “four.” I won’t explain everything about my number, because there’s a lot to it.

WHAT I WILL SAY… Is that a “4” lives their life with this feeling that something essential is missing. Something is missing in the world, and missing inside themselves. We’ve always felt different, uncertain and separated from the rest of the world. At some point we’ve probably questioned if maybe there was a mistake in our creation. Now, while that might sound sad, we actually are comfortable in a melancholy state. We thrive in feeling unique. But sometimes this separation…it can send us into the ugly emotion of envy. The funny this is, that I never even saw this in me until I learned about my number. Once I learned this, I began noticing myself feeling envy all the time! Ugh!

Why Envy? Why is this a Four’s deadly sin? 

Because, we look at the world with this mindset that everyone else has the fundamental missing piece. And we can’t access it no matter how hard we try. Imagine a “four” standing on the front lawn of someone’s house, looking in through the window. Inside the house there is a party, a bunch of people hanging out. When I heard this imagery…I mean…That is my life guys. We look at the world thinking we can’t and will never be like anyone else. I envy people and normalcy. I envy peace, talent, happiness, success or acknowledgement.  Oh gosh guys, I could go on. 

Remember on the last song, how I explained that the lyrics took me weeks to write. Yeah, this one came together in half an hour. It was a moment when I was feeling envious of someone, so I took my rage and wrote the feeling down. It was like my fingers couldn’t type fast enough. 

Later that day, I sat at the piano and came up with the intro piano section. I tried to make the notes feel the burning sensation I get when I’m in this state.

I REALLY WANT TO EMPHASIZE THIS

 “I am not chained to who I am.

I can see past where I stand

And magnify difference as freedom we hold in our hands”

These lyrics came out just as fast as the other ones. You know why? Because I truly believe the thing that holds us down does not have to chain us. Just because my natural tendency is to feel this, does not mean I have to let it. 

I can see beauty in what I don’t have. I can accept and appreciate myself for what I do have. I can be excited for you, and that’s it. I can look at this as a gift that we all have different strengths. I can think, what an incredible design of humanity, that we all need each other.

Yes. There is so much hope in that.

I think that idea is something everyone should hold on to. We all have something that chains us. A negative, ugly emotion we gravitate to. But we can be more. More than “Who I am.” We can learn to see past where we stand, and grow. Become stronger than chains.

On another note!

I originally called this song “Jealousy.” But I learned something fascinating when I was reading my Enneagram book, “The Road Back to You.” In the “four” chapter, they write…

“In case you were wondering, envy and jealousy are different. Envy has to do with desiring a characteristic others possess, while jealousy occurs when we feel like something we already possess is at risk of being taken away from us.”

I was like “WOW. That makes total sense,” It was clear, this song was actually directed at the emotion of envy.

If you are wondering what the heck is going on in the artwork, here’s some words from Zach about it…

“This entry took a lot of digging to come up with a cohesive idea that felt right, while also fitting within the rules I’d set for myself going into this project. Envy is not something you usually attribute to something physical, it’s much more of a mental feeling than it is a feeling that can be put into form or words.

After a little bit of chatting, Dariynn decided with me that the line to focus on from her lyrics was this “I am not chained to who I am”.  The song digs into not being chained to your identity, moving past the feeling of envy for others, and appreciating that we are all different for a reason.

From this idea I developed a couple chain concepts, but with a twist. The chain was also going to have attributes of a DNA strand, representing identity and who we are as people. The chain is split in the middle, representing moving past who we are. A simple symbol, that means so much more.

Colours we’re the easiest part for this one, a range of greens and blues seemed to fit the theme of envy quite well. For obvious reasons.” Zach Silver, reflect design co.

What I Learned

I learned that I am envious far too often. I learned that mystery and differences between us are beautiful. I learned that I can be more than “Who I am.”

I hope you find hope here and that you are encouraged to be more.

Special thanks to Dan MacNeil, twisted cable studios  for seriously killing it on the mix, and having us record drums in his studio!   

READ THE LYRICS

I am an outsider, messing with color outside the lines

They have the last puzzle piece

The one that I always seem to misplace

The threat is suffocating

Burns vast like wildfire

I pull out my armour and dig my heels in hard

With my defenses ready I cover up my eyes

Half a smile protecting

I will not loose my pride

They walk so easy

I climb the steeper path

Your elegance in breathing gives me a heart attack

I am who I am, who I am, it's who I am

I pretend to face the argument of choosing love above myself

But I've screamed along with sirens, nobody came to help

You are acknowledged

Journey on higher ground

I'll admit you're smarter

Your confidence profound

 I am who I am, who I am, it's who I am

I am not chained to who I am

I can see past where I stand

Magnify difference as freedom we hold in our hands

I know the truth

I lie in grace

I fight myself in empty space

My roots grow so much deeper

But underneath your feet, I have no true perspective

I am who I am, more than who I am

I am not chained to who I am

I can see past where I stand

Magnify difference as freedom we hold in our hands

If you would like to support SELF / SCRIPTS to receive the music I am creating this year, sign up at patreon.com/dariynn

Dariynn

Author Dariynn

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