I walked out the front door of a friend’s house a few weeks back. It had been a good afternoon of conversation. But something in me started to react when I started over-thinking the things I had said. Nothing wrong, nothing out of the ordinary. But…
“Did I come across honest and humble? Did I really say things that were true to who I was? Did I talk too much? And, they said something that I really don’t agree with. Did I speak up?”
Those were the kind of thoughts that began the very confusing, dark night ahead.
I kinda laughed it off at first. I pretended that this feeling of unrest was nothing. When I got home, I went to my dark-lit studio to record. It wasn’t until later on, that I realized there was much more going on. I started to track vocals for a song. It wasn’t going well. After a couple takes, I started to realize I wasn’t okay.
I think this project is bringing a lot of things out from the shadows in me. I’ve been scraping out emotions and facing them, which is affecting my life. I am tired. I am much more emotional than normal (which is already a lot). This intentional greeting with who I am, and the screwed up things that are going on inside me, is heavy. I promise there will be a song of hope or joy in the future. But, for now, we are digging through dirt. I didn’t see these things before and I felt pretty great. But, when you’re constantly staring into the mirror, shit gets real.
I was screaming into the microphone.
Screaming with some hope that someone was listening. But, with every bit of my voice deteriorating, I felt lonelier. Abandoned.
On the ground. Panicked.
“GOD, WHY ARE YOU SILENT? I NEED YOU. HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME IN THIS?”
God clearly didn’t want to respond. But, I needed someone to hear me.
Alone, I covered myself in bed sheets. I swallowed in surrender.
Sometime later, my husband showed up. He’s got this crazy internal peace that just came out in his voice. It changed everything. Maybe 4 hours had gone by when we noticed the time. He spoke truth with wisdom. We found hidden root issues and the panic was over. I felt lighter. We were both surprised and realized that this was reply I begged for.
I must sound fairly insane. But, I don’t care. Anxiety is insane. And I think it’s okay to admit that we’re broken sometimes.
What I Learned
I learned some root issues that caused the anxiety. So, now that they are exposed, I can work with this. Now that I am aware, I can see what thoughts are truth and what are lies. And, I got a reminder that peace will come. Anxiety, or any other kind of darkness, won’t last forever.
LISTEN TO ENTRY 4: ANXIETY
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