ENTRY 4: ANXIETY

By March 29, 2017Creation Process

I walked out the front door of a friend’s house a few weeks back. It had been a good afternoon of conversation. But something in me started to react when I started over-thinking the things I had said. Nothing wrong, nothing out of the ordinary. But…

“Did I come across honest and humble? Did I really say things that were true to who I was? Did I talk too much? And, they said something that I really don’t agree with. Did I speak up?”

Those were the kind of thoughts that began the very confusing, dark night ahead.

I kinda laughed it off at first. I pretended that this feeling of unrest was nothing. When I got home, I went to my dark-lit studio to record. It wasn’t until later on, that I realized there was much more going on. I started to track vocals for a song. It wasn’t going well. After a couple takes, I started to realize I wasn’t okay.

I think this project is bringing a lot of things out from the shadows in me. I’ve been scraping out emotions and facing them, which is affecting my life. I am tired. I am much more emotional than normal (which is already a lot). This intentional greeting with who I am, and the screwed up things that are going on inside me, is heavy. I promise there will be a song of hope or joy in the future. But, for now, we are digging through dirt. I didn’t see these things before and I felt pretty great. But, when you’re constantly staring into the mirror, shit gets real.

I was screaming into the microphone.

Screaming with some hope that someone was listening. But, with every bit of my voice deteriorating, I felt lonelier. Abandoned.

On the ground. Panicked.

“GOD, WHY ARE YOU SILENT? I NEED YOU. HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME IN THIS?”

Anger.

God clearly didn’t want to respond. But, I needed someone to hear me.

Alone, I covered myself in bed sheets. I swallowed in surrender.

Sometime later, my husband showed up. He’s got this crazy internal peace that just came out in his voice. It changed everything. Maybe 4 hours had gone by when we noticed the time. He spoke truth with wisdom. We found hidden root issues and the panic was over. I felt lighter. We were both surprised and realized that this was reply I begged for.

I must sound fairly insane. But, I don’t care. Anxiety is insane. And I think it’s okay to admit that we’re broken sometimes.

What I Learned

I learned some root issues that caused the anxiety. So, now that they are exposed, I can work with this. Now that I am aware, I can see what thoughts are truth and what are lies. And, I got a reminder that peace will come. Anxiety, or any other kind of darkness, won’t last forever.

So much thanks to these guys for making this song happen!

Dan MacNeil, twisted cable studios (Mixing) 

Zach Silver, reflect design co.  (Drums & Artwork)

LYRICS
This doorway is an entry to a mind game for my body
my lungs can't keep up breathing with my heart's uneven beating
This is uncontrolled and violent panic in the silence
Aggravated pressure I swallow in surrender
I ask one more time to hold me down
My knees are weak, I brace the ground
Escape to dimming vision void of conversation
I've let out all that's inside me but I'm screaming into nothing
I ask one more time to hold me down
My knees are weak, I brace the ground
Is anyone here listening
My voice is lost from whispering
What could make this easy
What could make this easier
Drown in loud attack
Wait for the sunrise
The voices soon will end
Dust will reach the earth
I'll find rest
The delicate reply
takes truth by surprise
My beggar sound is heard
Dust will reach the earth
I'll find rest

LISTEN TO ENTRY 4: ANXIETY

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Dariynn

Author Dariynn

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